A Quick Story of Realization with Counseling Teens

When it comes to counseling teens, I remember early in my counseling career I was assisting a client through a break-up. While I was asking questions about the split, he smirked and said, “It’s way harder breaking up these days. When you were in high school, it was easy.” My first reaction was to wonder how old he thought I was. My second reaction was explaining that breaking up was still brutal back then. However, I soon realized he was spot on after we further explored his thoughts. High school breakups in 2020 are much more difficult to navigate.

When I had conflict with anybody- friend, crush or significant other -I only had to awkwardly pass them in the hallway. Worst case, I had to choose a seat on the other side of the room. I didn’t have to worry about blocking them on social media. I didn’t have to worry about if they would find out that I blocked them. Nor did I worry about getting a “snap” or text from one of their friends almost instantaneously. I didn’t have to worry about unfavorable texts, tweets or pictures circulating throughout the school. Hurtful things can spread around a community within a matter of moments in today’s tech world.

Stage of Life for Young People

The truth is, being a young person is harder than it has ever been. While I work with a great variety of mental health topics, about half of my practice is centered around working with people from 12 to 22 years old. It’s in this stage of life where we begin to think about and establish our identity. Who am I? What do I stand for? Who do I want to be? What flusters me? What makes me tick? are just a few of the existential questions that pop up in this age group–often subconsciously.

Research suggests that kids in 7th grade are already sifting through ideas about their future adult identity. They start developing a moral compass and realize that they now have the power to make decisions on their own. This can lead to a tough predicament in realizing they have a certain level of power but are still being governed by rules at home and school. This can lead to arguments, lashing out and irritability–all normal responses of a teenager! And throughout all of this, teenagers are faced with a huge set of social challenges.

Effects of Social Media and Pressure

Facebook, Instragram, Snapchat, FaceTime, TikTok, and countless other social media outlets have become the normative way of communication in this age group. It’s important to remember young people establish their self-worth, esteem and efficacy based on social acceptance. Being constantly connected is an opportunity to be constantly built up or–too often–torn down. Meanwhile, young people often lack the tools and coping mechanisms to deal with let-downs and rejection. (Even adults still struggle with this!) This can lead to a “bottling up” of emotions, and suddenly you notice that your once happy-go-lucky child is ANGRY, FRUSTRATED and they just wish to be left alone. Sadly, bottling up these negative thoughts and feelings can plant the early seeds of depression, anxiety and panic. And with ALL of that, humans are experts at trying to stop any form of pain. So how is counseling teens like stopping pain?

Just what the doctor ordered

If we have a headache, we take Tylenol; if we twist our ankle, we ice it; and if we break a bone, we go to the doctor for an x-ray and a cast. But with mental and emotional pain, it’s easy for teens to experiment with substances like alcohol and marijuana. In America, we are witnessing tremendous amounts of young people addicted to substances. Without getting too technical, self-medication in individuals under 25 is an especially harsh paradox, for the more they use substances to alleviate pain, the more damage is done. For example, alcohol and THC both affect the frontal lobe in the brain, which is the last part of the brain to develop (usually it is fully developed at age 25).

The frontal lobe affects things like emotional expression, memory, executive decision making and problem-solving–just to name a few. Meanwhile, statistics surrounding suicide in this age group are harrowing, but this post is not meant to scare readers. Rather, I hope it serves as a platform to begin a discussion about teens and counseling. So, what can we do for our young people?

The Basics of Helping

For starters, if your child (or if you are a young person reading this) expresses anxious thoughts and feelings, tells you they are having panic attacks or explains that that they are having some thoughts about self-harm, treat those words with the utmost seriousness. It can be easy to say something very well-intentioned like, “Tomorrow will be better,” or “Tough days are a part of life,” or “You’ll feel better if you…,” but those comments can be dismissive of how they are feeling, and their negative thoughts and behaviors could get even worse. Simply acknowledge them. Tell them that it’s okay to have those thoughts and feelings (because it is), and ask them how you can be helpful. Bring up the idea of seeing a counselor, even if it’s just one or two times.

Secondly, if you notice that your child is isolating themselves, engage in a conversation even if it’s a difficult one. Remember to use “I” statements like, “I notice you’ve been really quiet and I’m worried. Is there something on your mind?” Avoid “you” statements like, “You’re not yourself,” or, “You need to talk to me.” Lastly, if you just have the smallest feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is amiss, treat that feeling with respect and acknowledge it. Reach out to a person like myself that works with young people and ask questions. Advocate for your children and find ways to educate yourself to the point where you feel comfortable moving forward with helping your child.

Up next…

In Part 2, I will discuss basic interventions and techniques I use when counseling teens. Moreover, I will discuss what counseling looks like as a whole for teenagers and young people and what measures will be implemented to foster an effective therapeutic process. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to call the number listed on the “contact” page on hopehealchange.com.